This is the journey I've been travelling on for at least the last 3 months. Now I've thought that I've dealt with things and have understood my sin. I've had many dark times in my life where I was face to face with my depravity. But I had no idea how deep it went. And man, is it deep.
This is what Paul consistently reminded himself of, specifically in Romans 5-7. He says that "nothing good dwells within him" and that he's a "wretched man" and in other places, the "chief of sinners." Now Paul isn't wallowing in self-pity, but rather he is reminding himself of how great God's mercy is, shown to us through Jesus Christ. Paul is practicing the principle that Jesus taught us in Luke 7:47 "Therefore, I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven - for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little." Paul loved much because he was forgiven much - and he reminded himself of that.
The Gospel then is this: I am worse than I could ever imagine; yet I am loved more than I could ever comprehend.
It is a dangerous prayer to ask God to show you the depth of your sin, but it is a necessary one. Walking that journey will bring out the worst in you, but it has to be brought out to the light so it can die as Christ shines on you. Not dealing with your sin will only lead to arrogance, pride, selfishness, and consumerism - the very things we see rampant in the modern church today. The more we realize how much we've been forgiven, we become radically more loving, forgiving, compassionate, and gracious to others. We serve and give all that we can because we have been served and given so much.
I've been greatly identifying and appreciating these words of the song 'Thy Mercy My God', and I hope they minister to you:
Without Thy sweet mercy I could not live here
Sin would reduce me to utter despair
But through Thy free goodness, my spirits revive
And He that first made me still keeps me alive
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