For Better, For Worse...For God

One of my favorite things to do as pastor is to officiate weddings. Most everyone (except for the mother of the bride, usually) is in a great mood, happy, and ready to party afterward. I recently attended a wedding where the groom is from South Africa and about 20 family members and friends of his came over to Michigan for the wedding. I have to tell you, it was one of the most enjoyable receptions I've been at. First, they have some old, traditional wedding songs and dances (they do this thing called 'hooking'...one minute my wife was next to me, and a second later, she was 'hooked' back and forth from person to person to the other end of the dance floor (but don't worry, it wasn't dirty)...she came back to me and said, 'I have no idea how I got over there.') Another tradition they have is that the groom gives a speech thanking his family, his bride's family, and all of the guests; but during the whole speech all of his buddies sit down in front of him and heckle him the whole time. One song they sing is full of hope, thankfulness, and love that is very meaningful. I really appreciated the opportunity to experience a 'cross-cultural' wedding experience. At the same time I felt terrible for the U.S. because the greatest gift we've given to the wedding experience is 'The Chicken Dance.'

I've thought a lot about why people get married. With divorce rates so high (at or above 50% for both Christians and non-Christians), you've got to wonder why do it in the first place. For the non-believer, I think it comes down to having a cure for lonliness, wanting to be happy (thanks Tom Cruise, 'you complete me', too), financial benefits, social status, and residual values from our once-Christian nation. For the believer, though, I think getting married is about 1) expressing selfless love to another that you have deep care and commitment to (1 Corinthians 13); 2) living out the first community relationship God ordained (Genesis 2); 3) being able to live up to the full potential of biblical manhood and womanhood, which ultimately shapes us into becoming more like Christ (Proverbs 31 & Ephesians 5); and 4) making babies (Genesis 1:28) and then discipling those children to love Jesus in order to leave a spiritual heritage (Deuteronomy 6, Psalm 78). Now there may be more or better reasons that come from someone smarter and more godly than me, but those came to my mind first.

I've also been talking with a number of people for a long time about why so many marriages struggle so much, especially those who have been married less than 10 years, or have been married numerous times. I believe that it is ultimately a spiritual issue. Unless you really love Jesus and begin to transform into his likeness, you have no hope for your marriage, much less your life in general. With that as the backdrop, I believe that the main issue is pure selfishness. We love ourselves so much, are more concerned with our happiness instead of the happiness of others, and will protect ourselves before anybody else. Marriage is about giving, not getting, and unless you are prepared to live a selfless life, you are unfit for marriage. The other issue is a two-parter, a man part and a woman part (and it's not about sex, either). The first pastor I worked under once told me that most marriages can be described as "little boys who marry their moms." Now that sounds either really stupid at first or really offensive, but let it sink in a little and I think you'll find it true. The man part with this is that a lot of guys just don't grow up. They still want to run around like hormone-charged 15 years olds, play their games, have their toys, and never really have any responsibility. The woman part with this is that a lot of girls just want to be in control. They want to call the shots, tell their man what to do and when, and prove that they can (and should) be in charge just because they think they should (thanks to a very non-biblical women's liberation movement).

Now listen, this has nothing to do with a poorly defined idea of submission or some stupid exaggerated idea of male dominance. It's really about living out the design that God has given us. Men and women, husbands and wives, are both made in the image of God and are co-equal positionally. Each have talents, gifts, skills, & abilities that don't make one better than another, but allow each to complement the other. The issue here is role and scope of responsibility. Just like with the Trinity - the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit - all are co-equal in the Godhead, but each has a different role to play out.

So, please put yourself under the authority of God's Word and read through Genesis 1 & 2 and Ephesians 5. As you either prepare for marriage or are looking to strengthen your marriage, first ask yourself if you really do love Jesus, then ask God to point out the specific areas of selfishness in your life to rid yourself of those by giving more, and then, men: really ask yourself tough questions about your responsibility to sacrificially love your wives; and women: really ask yourself tough questions about your responsibility to biblically submit with respect to your husbands. And let's actually do this community thing right and get people who love Jesus in our lives to help us through it all; people who are willing to say hard things when needed, intervene when needed, pray always, and just pour out a lot of love often.

Everything for Jesus,

Ryan